Let Go

If you haven't taught,, then you wont understand what I'm about to say,,,

You wont understand the amount of love, pressure, agony,,fatigue,,forgiveness and morality around.

You wont understand how hard it is to face the whole world with nothing but your single heart. You need a strong one to be against this ugly world,,,,it's not a descent fight but you are going solo.

You wont understand that you have to check your self a million times before lecturing those girls about goodness,,vice,,virtue,,honesty and nail polish.

You have to go through the whole process of first being a mean teacher that has nothing to do with teaching other than the lessons she/he gives and your only concern is that the red pen runs out so fast so you might as well buy two at the beginning of each semester and then you become a mad teacher and then a patient one and then helpless and frustrated ,,,then you learn to smile and laugh and love and share and heal and at the end you end up being a parental figure and you love them so so damn much,,,like they are your own.

And because you love them ,,you want what's best for them,,but are you the best?

Because in this ,,,only BEST is acceptable. 

You wont know how a simple fight with a 16 year old is the greatest bond of love and affection,,,you wont know how yelling is always ALWAYS understood as a message of tenderness,,do you ever yell at someone and they love you back? Well,,we have that privilege.

You wont understand that you change your whole life style according to it,,,your dates,,your schedules,,your eating habits,,your social life,,,your fridge ,,,,your list of good people and even the way you dress,,,

The way you think,,,the way you buy your coffee mugs and even your key chain sometimes reminds you of your job.

You wont understand the responsibility that burdens your shoulders and the guilt you feel when mistakes happen.

You wont feel the warmth of hugs in the morning,,,,and believe me this is coming from someone who's been so careful not to break the ice with those "strangers"!! So careful to maintain the social circle created secretly in my mind and that is so hard to keep when your constantly bumping into tens and tens of reckless - not so sober- controlled by crazy hormones girls.

You wont understand the look on their faces when they are praised,,,inspired,,,rewarded and the sparkle that glows in their eyes when they know they are smart,,and that they are loved regardless of what the grades say,,they are loved regardless of their weight and popularity,,they are just loved for being who they are.

When you know their deepest darkest secrets and you still don't want to hang them or beat them to death.

When they teach you forgiveness, tolerance, temper management techniques,, the latest movies in the box office  the best restaurants in Amman and  their very unique cheating methods,,yes smart also includes shrewd.
You wont have to pray for the Tawjihi ones,,text the sick ones,,call heart broken ones and think of ways to let them enjoy your company when the last thing that they enjoy is attending a class.
You wont have your head on the pillow and them in your mind.

You wont understand how desperate you feel when you know that leaving this job means leaving a big part of your life ,,leaving your soul and your passion behind,,,but then again you want what's best for them and you think again,,are you the BEST?!

When you feel your not doing it right,,and the hugs give you pain more than comfort because your not fit for this ,,the smiles, trust and respect they give you turns into guilt and sorrow,,
Maybe then ,,,its time to let go.